What I Wish I Knew Before Having Sex For The First Time!

Date
Apr, 09, 2021

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Some day my prince will come and so will I.

Emily Morse- Call Her Daddy Ep.104

Since we are young (and I am talking about everyone here), we are taught certain things. Girls are taught to be polite and smile, while boys are taught not to throw food.

And while there are similarities in how children of opposite gender are raised, there are more differences. 

For instance, in reference to the quote by Emily Morse, girls are taught that someday their prince will come and that…

  1. All their problems will magically go away
  2. They will finally have an orgasm during sex thanks to the prince
  3. That is when their life will finally begin

On the other hand, society teaches boys to be saviors of women. A double-edged sword if you ask me, but we will get to that later.

Now, this post isn’t about bashing anyone or about what positions I wish I knew before having sex or what lube I should’ve used.

This post is about how I wish I knew, how I wish I taught from a young age, that there is no prince; that no one is going to come and save me.

No one was going to come and teach me how to repeated mind-blowing orgasms.

But most importantly, that the value I have as a person is not dependent on some guy or how society views me but instead on how I view myself.

Emily Morse Was Right

Now that we have established that women across multiple generations have been taught that once a prince rides upon his noble steed and confesses his undying love for us, that is when our life finally begins. Let’s talk about how this impacts our sexuality.

Not just how it impacts our sexuality as women but how society views our sexuality.

From what I interpreted from the quote, I believe that Emily is saying that she was taught that she should not get to know her body, aka touch herself when she younger.

And that one day, the love of her life was going to magically ride up on a white horse and know her body better than she did that he would be able to get her to cum instantly!

I have chalked this up to being a common occurrence among women in our society.

Women are told not to touch themselves because it is wrong, and we don’t want to “ruin” ourselves for our future partners.

How sad is that?

From a young age, women are told that their bodies do not belong to them but to someone else. 

It’s for someone else to explore.

It’s for someone else to use and seek pleasure from.

Your body doesn’t belong to you.

Don’t Touch That Dial (AKA Your Clitoris)

If you read my masturbation post (click here to read), you would know that in efforts to teach me about masturbation and sexuality, my mother (and the sex education program at school) had some missteps.

I eventually came to realize that she could only teach what she knew and what she was taught.

And what was she taught?

If you touch yourself “too much”, you will “ruin” yourself for your partner.

Then they will be dissatisfied and leave you.

That if you do touch yourself, you will never be able to fully connect to your partner, and sex will never be as good.

It was always, “wait for the right guy, boyfriend, husband because they will know what to do,” and never, “be careful and find out what you like because no one will know your body the way you do.”

And at the time, I didn’t question it.

If my mom, the sex education teacher, and the media (more on that later) were telling me the same thing, then they must be, right, right?

We all bought into the belief that our bodies are not our own. That somehow we (women) depreciate in value if we dared to explore it on our own.

Society consistently bombards women with the belief that…

  • The right person will know your body better than you do
  • You can only experience total pleasure with the “right guy.”
  • No one likes sexually experienced women.

As I said at the time, I didn’t question these thoughts. Everyone around me was confirming these beliefs about the “right guy,” showing me the way around my own body.

At that point, the only question I had was, “where the hell is this “right guy” ?”

He Wants Me, So I’m Worthy Now, Right?

Now you may be thinking…

“Okay, so you didn’t have an orgasm until you were 18. What’s the big deal?”

The big deal wasn’t that I didn’t have an orgasm until later in life.

The big deal was that I believed that my body didn’t belong to me. That it could depreciate in value if I “explored too much” or at all.

It is that women are taught to believe that we can’t give value to ourselves. Only someone else (cough, cough, a man) can give us value.

And that we should be so grateful that a man would even look in our direction and grace us with their presence.

It leads women to believe that they aren’t worthy of any love or affection if they aren’t being desired.

Now, this is not saying that sex or being desired is a bad thing. It’s not.

But what is a bad thing is letting someone else decide your value for you, and that’s what women are encouraged to do.

We say we don’t care, but many of us are thinking about why the boys in school aren’t looking at us and what will happen to us if we can’t attract a guy because that would mean something is wrong with us.

Women are taught to crave this validation from men. In that pursuit, we push ourselves to do things (sexually and not) that we don’t want to do to get that fleeting validation that never gives us the satisfaction that lasts more than a moment.

Men & Their Double-Edge Sword

Now let’s talk about the people who, whether they want to admit to it or not, hold power in this society.

This is not an opinion; it is a fact.

Often referred to as the patriarchy, this system has instilled an ideology in everyone and has impacted everyone in their own way.

But what is not talked about and is often overlooked because they deny its existence is how it impacts the oppressors: men.

Now you may be thinking, “well, duh. You can’t oppress the people who installed the system itself and benefit from it as well.”

And yeah, you’d be right in a way.

But that doesn’t mean that men are not experiencing negative repercussions of the system they created.

Some Have Greatness Thrust Upon Them

We heavily focus on how women’s sexuality is often oppressed and confined to fit the patriarchal standard and the male gaze, but we often overlook how that translates to men.

Yes, women are expected to remain innocent in terms of their bodies (& life), but men are expected to know women’s bodies better than they do and supposed to be amazing in bed every time.

While simultaneously expected to be players who sleep around with multiple women and always want to have sex and want nothing more.

If they don’t identify with that stereotype and play it out in real life, then they are picked on, ostracized by their peers, and looked down upon.

This unrealistic expectation thrust upon men can be as damaging as the validation women feel they need to seek.

But on the other hand…

Your God Complex Is Showing

The idea that men are the only ones that hold the key to a woman’s pleasure has granted many men an automatic sense of superiority just for being a man.

With women being told from a young age to put their well-being into a man’s hands, women lose their autonomy and are seen (by society) as objects that need to be placed and not human beings with their own thoughts and opinions.

It sounds extreme, but it’s true.

Women are taught that they do not own their bodies, but men do.

Men are taught that they should know everything about women’s bodies. That they are the only ones who can please them, leading them to believe that they are superior.

So what does this mean?

Sex -CTM

Women are left with little to no understanding about themselves, their bodies, how to care for their well-being, and have to rely on someone else. Men are the some one else. Men are left feeling as if they have the right to be the decision-makers because they know best.

And women should feel grateful because we aren’t taught any different.

We see this in how men shame sexually liberated and independent women who don’t depend on men’s validation to feel good about themselves.

Which in turn, makes men feel insecure in their masculinity and where they stand in society, so what do they do to make themselves feel better?

Shame her, degrade her, and try to humiliate her.

Media & Sex

I blame them.

They have their hands so far up our asses that we regurgitate anything they tell us.

They create and spread messages by making them easily digestible for everyone.

The next thing we know, we are all acting on something they created. Before we know it, the damage is done and too far along.

In this case of women being taught to wait for their prince, I blame the media because not only did they create whole movie genres out of it (chick flicks & princess movies), but they made it the standard for what every girl should want.

Innocent Girl & Bad (Popular) Boy Trope

Come on, don’t pretend like you don’t know this trope. It is the premise for nearly every movie with a target audience of teenage girls.

You know, the innocent girl who doesn’t have many friends, who doesn’t wear makeup and wears primarily modest clothing.

Suddenly, she catches the eye of the bad (or popular) boy in school who is just misunderstood and is living up to an expectation that everyone else set for him.

They are thrust together in some situations where they bump into each other a lot. They instantly have great chemistry and banter but can’t seem to get on the same page.

The tension between them is so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

And then when they finally get together and kiss or have sex, he is always more experienced and shows her things about her body that she would’ve never known if it wasn’t for him.

Moreover, once the innocent girl has caught the bad boy’s attention, everyone wants to know everything about her.

What does she do?

Where does she shop?

It’s like suddenly she is worth everyone’s attention because the popular guy said so.

Sound familiar? If not, let me jog your memory.

  1. She’s All That
  2. A Walk to Remember
  3. After
  4. Grease
  5. Cruel Intentions
  6. Dirty Dancing
  7. 10 Things I Hate About You

And those are just the ones I got off the top of my head!

Who Is She?

Now I am not here to bash on these movies because, let’s face it, these movies are incredible and target women, so they know what we like.

They also include many elements attributed to the female gaze, such as the lingering looks and the grazing of hands but they are also profoundly riddled with aspects of the male gaze.

Still don’t believe me?

For instance, in She’s All That, Laney Boggs is just some weird loser who people are mean to for no good reason. Then Zach, the most popular guy in school, starts spending time with her, gives her a makeover, and then BAM!

She is the hottest girl in school and is now worthy of all this male attention.

In A Walk to Remember, bad boy Landon Carter can’t be tamed falls for sweet, quiet Jamie Sullivan.

No one paid attention to this girl and spoke badly about her, but once Landon started spending time with her, she is now worthy and has value because he gave it to her.

As I said, I am not here to bash these movies (cause I love them), but they have helped push a problematic message which is that women don’t have value until men give it to them.

Back to the Prince, Or The Bad Boy

Back to the prince on his noble steed or the bad boy who wears too much leather during summer.

What have we learned for them?

That women don’t have value until men give it to them.

What do boys learn?

Women are only there to please them; they only have value if they place it on them and are entitled to a superiority complex.

Think I am exaggerating?

Look at the high rates of violence against women in the U.S., sexual and domestic.

Who are they committed by? Men.

Why? Because they believe that they are entitled to.

Look at the laws that passed over women’s bodies. Who are they introduced by? Men.

You hardly ever see a woman’s perspective in these discussions.

It is always men making decisions on behalf of women because they believe they know best.

So with this narrative that is consistently perpetuated throughout our society, I wonder, what are we left with?

And by we, I mean women.

What is ours?

If what we say, do, or feel has no meaning, and at this point, even our bodies are for the consumption and pleasure of others, what do we have that is ours?

What I Wish I Knew Before Having Sex

I told you this wasn’t going to be about positions or lube.

But let’s tie this whole thing together.

My number one takeaway of what I wish I knew before having sex was that only I could give myself the value and validation that I was so desperately seeking every time I had sex.

No prince will magically know your body better than you do and THANK GOD! Your body is your own, and you complete yourself.

So I beg of you, get to know yourself, sexually, emotionally, and mentally because you will not find that in the hands of anyone else but your own.

That way, when the time comes, when you are ready to have sex with another human being, you won’t be looking for something that only you can give to yourself.

You’ll know what you deserve and not accept it when someone only gives you crumbs when you deserve the whole loaf.

Sources

  1. Call Her Daddy| The Road Map to His A**hole (EP 104)

Mía

Hi, I am Mia! I am Sex Education Enthusiast and I love bringing people the knowledge they need to make their sex lives better! I always preach that having a healthy sex life is a part of a healthy life overall.

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