5 Things Everyone Gets WRONG About BDSM

Date
Oct, 04, 2021

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me”—-Rihanna, S&M

Rihanna had no business having 12 year old me singing that at the top of my lungs.

As you can see, BDSM is everywhere.

It’s in our music, our movies, and as of late, our television shows.

And personally, I love it.

I like learning about BDSM because it’s something so out of my norm & it’s seen as so taboo when in reality it’s not.

BDSM has been given a bad reputation in our society.

Some people believe only people who worship Satan practice BDSM, & others think it’s a way to sexually abuse other people.

Then some want to participate because they think it’s like how it is in the movies, and that is just not the case.

BDSM is a more nuanced practice that requires so much more attention to detail and communication skills that many people have not (or refuse to) developed.

So before you go tying up your partner, let’s learn some of the basics.

Key-Take Aways

Just a list of things you should keep in your mind as you read this article.

  1. BDSM is an acronym
    • BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism.
  2. It is not for sexual deviants.
    • Anyone can participate. BDSM is a consensual practice of pushing your limits but not going past them. It helps people reach a deeper level of understanding within themselves and their relationships.
  3. BDSM is a consensual sexual power-exchange
    • Whether you are having sex or not, BDSM is a mind-fuck, and you only do it with people you trust. While you do relinquish some control, you can always say “no” and stop.
  4. BDSM is very different from vanilla sex.
    • It requires more communication which fosters a more profound sense of intimacy and control within the relationship.
  5. While anyone can participate, it’s not for everyone.
    • You can fantasize about getting tied up but not actually go through with it. It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.

Got it?

Good.

#1) It’s Not Safe

A common misconception that has followed BDSM since its emergence and something I thought was true until I started researching it.

But after reading numerous articles and consuming content made by professional doms, I have concluded that BDSM is much safer than plain, old vanilla sex.

This is because…

  1. There is more communication from each partner about their likes, dislikes, expectations, and previous experiences.
    • How many times have you slowed down and really talked to your lover, hookup, one-night stand, or even your long-term partner about what they like or dislike in the bedroom? We usually save that conversation a few times AFTER we have had sex, so we don’t ruin the moment. Participants in BDSM don’t see talking about what you want to happen as something that can ruin the moment but as part of the process that makes the experience that much better.
  2. Everyone has a deep understanding of consent.
    • Many people are debating about the definition of consent and until what point someone can say “no” or “stop.” That does not happen in the BDSM space. From what I have learned, consent is a pillar in the practice. If someone does say no, it’s viewed as a gift. This is because you are learning more about the person and how to respect their boundaries. No means no, and when someone says stop, nobody questions it. The confusion vanilla sex people deal with does not seem to exist within the BDSM space.
  3. Emotional security is essential.
    • The number of guys I have fucked and none of them initiated a conversation about what I wanted to do or what made me feel comfortable. Especially afterward. Once they got their nut, they could care less about how I felt. This goes back to communication, but in vanilla sex, emotional security is not a priority. The orgasm is. I find that to be very unfortunate. In BDSM, there is Aftercare! Nobody got me water or asked me how it was until my 7th body!

If you still aren’t convinced that practicing BDSM is safe, there are two guidelines that are specific to providing consent during the practices.

First is SSC, which stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual, and the second guideline is RACK, which stands for Risk-aware Consensual Kink.

As Elite Daily describes it, “the practice is a sexual exchange of power between consenting participants.”

So while you are giving your power to someone else, you still have the power to say ‘no’ and ‘stop.’

And if they care about you and respect your boundaries and the practice, they will stop.

I also think that BDSM gets such a bad rap because some practices involving pain and blood can be a bit much to the outside person. Still, as I said, there are safety practices in place to prevent injury or emotional scarring because safety is paramount.

Related Article: A Vanilla Introduction to BDSM: What You Need to Know

#2) BDSM Is All About (Penetrative) Sex

In our patriarchal society, we have reduced sex to just penetration.

This is why you have so many people who have been fingered, experienced oral, or women who have only been with other women debate if they have lost their ‘virginity. In the context of this society, if they haven’t had a penis penetrate them, then they haven’t had sex.

But in reality, sex can be a lot of things, not just penile penetration. It can be fingering, oral sex, the use of sex toys, mutual masturbation, and some mind games that are so intense that you feel like you had sex.

And that’s what happens in BDSM.

BDSM is described as a psychological thrill.

According to Cosmopolitan, “the mental connotations of some acts are more of a turn-on than the prelude of the particular act leading to sex.”

So penetrative sex is not necessary.

The mind-fuck can be enough satisfaction.

#3) Only Abusers & Sexual Deviants Participate in BDSM

Please tell me you have heard of this narrative because I know I have.

BDSM Couple-CTM

I especially heard this when 50 Shades of Grey came out. The movie portrayed an unhealthy relationship, and Christian Grey used BDSM to punish Anastasia, which is not what BDSM is about.

A healthy BDSM relationship has partners aiming to please each other. 

They do this by establishing open lines of communication, negotiation periods, safe words, and respecting each other’s boundaries.

And while there are the few who get into it to abuse other people, it’s not everyone. Just a few people who ruin it for everyone.

In a 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, it was found that people who engage in BDSM are “better adjusted than those who don’t.”

They established that BDSM practitioners were more secure in their relationships, had less anxiety, had a high sense of well-being, were more extroverted, and were more open to trying new experiences.

That doesn’t sound like a horrible person to me.

Moreover, in another study published in the Journal of Positive Sexuality, it was found that BDSM practitioners had better relationships than non-practicing counterparts.

There was an increase in intimacy and connectedness between the partners.

Apparently, doing things out of your everyday routine with your partner floods the brain’s reward system with dopamine.

If you want to read more, click here!

#4) You Can Jump Into BDSM

No, the fuck you can’t!

Yes, I did say anyone can participate in BDSM, and that’s true, but you need to educate yourself first.

While some things are considered ‘light’ BDSM that is beginner-friendly,

  • Spanking
  • Hair Pulling
  • Blindfolds
  • Roleplaying

But other practices are more intense and require education.

For instance, bondage. Seems simple enough, right?

You can utilize a scarf or a tie and tie up your partner, but here is what you didn’t know.

Something as simple as tying up your partner can be dangerous.

Why? Because if you tie them up wrong, you can destroy certain nerves in their hands.

Or maybe you try choking. If you don’t do it correctly, then you can end up crushing their trachea.

BDSM requires a lot of education to do it correctly, so no one gets hurt, and everyone has fun.

Luckily, this information is easily accessible.

You can watch videos, take classes in person or online, read books, or even participate in conferences or meet-ups.

Moreover, you must explore the community and meet like-minded people before you start practicing.

By doing this, you are understanding BDSM from multiple perspectives instead of just one.

So read some books (you can start here):

And if you want to join a social network for the kink community, check out this resource, FetLife.com.

Take your time and have fun learning!

It’s like going back to school, but for something you actually like.

Related Article: What I Wish I Knew Before Having Sex For The First Time

#5) It’s Like the Movies

Sometimes I wish life did mimic movies instead of the other way around.

Can you imagine? Love would be great, and we would each get the fairy tale ending with the mediocre partner that was always there.

But I digress.

In this case, BDSM is not like what you see in the movies.

It’s not abusive (or at least should not be) or used as a manipulation tactic (unless the person has consented to that).

It is not spontaneous, and it’s not a way to work through your childhood trauma (I’m looking at you, Christian Grey).

As I have said, BDSM is all about communication and respecting each other’s boundaries.

Yes, some of the practices may seem outlandish to you. Still, to other people, it has allowed them to fully express themselves in a safe environment.

BDSM is about consent and pleasing your partner. Not about hurting them because you want to make them feel as bad as you do.

Think About It

If you read this post and thought to yourself, “Damn, this girl is pro-BDSM,” it’s because I am.

I am intrigued by the practices but more fascinated by the connection and intimacy that it fosters between couples (I am romantic).

I see BDSM as a great tool to connect with your partner and spice things up in the bedroom, but you must take the time to learn about the pillars before you tie someone up.

Make sure you’re educated, so everyone is safe and enjoying themselves to the fullest and enjoy each step.

Enjoy finding out what your partner likes and dislikes. Take the time to find the same thing for yourself.

Stop focusing on the orgasm and instead focus on the experience as a whole. I guarantee that you will find something new and exciting about yourself.

But don’t let me persuade you. Do your own research and let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Elite Daily| A Sex Expert Reveals What BDSM Is & How ‘Fifty Shades’ Gets It All Wrong
  2. Cosmopolitan| What is BDSM? An expert Guide to BDSM Sex for Beginners
  3. BDSM Test
  4. Very Well Mind| What Is BDSM?
  5. BuzzFeed| 25 Facts About BDSM That You Won’t Learn In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”
  6. GQ| A Very Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words
  7. The Journal of Sexual Medicine| Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners
  8. The Journal of Positive Sexuality| Sadomasochism without Sex? Exploring the Parallels between BDSM and Extreme Rituals

Mía

Hi, I am Mia! I am Sex Education Enthusiast and I love bringing people the knowledge they need to make their sex lives better! I always preach that having a healthy sex life is a part of a healthy life overall.

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