Hey….
So it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, and I want to apologize for going MIA.
I dropped one of the best Instagram posts and dipped for two months (click here to check it out).
And it was because of my mental health.
You’d think at this age, I would have figured out how to prevent my depression or work around it, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
But that is not wanted I want to talk about today.
What I do want to talk about is how, even though my mental health was in the garbage – like sleeping until noon hoping the day ends before I get a chance to see the light from the sun and rewatching every show I’ve ever seen because something new requires too much attention-I was still horny.
If anything, I was even hornier than I was mentally stable, if I can even use that term.
All I wanted to do was masturbate and imagine the Geralt from the Witcher ravishing me in the bathtub.
Once I came, I would feel alive for a brief moment and then fall back asleep.
But isn’t it weird?
For two months, I could barely get out of my bed or even send a text back, but I had the energy to masturbate.
Was it the dopamine and the serotonin that it gave me? Probably.
So it got me thinking about how intertwined mental health and sex are.
Keeping the Fantasy Alive
We live in a fast pace culture where people work so hard to distance themselves and make sure that nobody sees the real them.
We want to get that bread and head and leave, but I think we now see how untrue those statements are.
But we are actually seeing people who are afraid to get hurt.
People looking for a dopamine hit because life has become unbearable that maybe if they sleep with this person, maybe, just maybe, they will feel alive.
And this is why so many people obsess over the individuals they sleep with.
It has nothing to do with the actual person they are sleeping with but all about the chemicals they secrete when they finally have sex with someone.
We create this fantasy around the person to make it seem like they are the ones we want to be with, but in reality, we are looking for something to keep us going.
The sex, the touching, the minimal pleasure we get from being intertwined with a person we don’t know too well, and creating a fantasy about who we want them to be vs. who they truly are is what keeps hookup culture alive.
And then, when someone loses interest, we just redownload our dating apps or post a thirst trap to find another dopamine hit.
Now, this isn’t to shame casual sex.
Casual sex is great for people who know who they are and what they want.
But for individuals jumping from person to person looking to feel alive, you need to be careful.
Because, as it happened to me and many others, you will eventually find yourself alone, and then you have to look at yourself, and it what, in essence, seems to be an addiction.
But it doesn’t stop there.
Related Article: 5 Signs You May Need A Break From Sex
Did You Even Like Them?
Mental health is like water: it can be so good that you are sailing through, but if you are not careful next thing you know, you’re drowning.
It impacts the types of partners we choose.
As a self-proclaimed dopamine addict, I would have sex for that hit in the past. However, unaware of the intention behind my actions, I was choosing people that would give me this hit.
If you read my Friends with Benefits post, you would know that I fell hard for my FWB, but it wasn’t because I loved them. Instead, it was because they created this perfect way to get the dopamine to hit extra hard.
As my therapist would describe it, they were my cocaine.
They would appear one day, giving me that hit, then leave me for three days at a time with no contact.
I would spend my time wondering why they hadn’t texted, why they didn’t call, or if they were with someone.
Essentially letting that dopamine drop and creating this deficit that needed to be filled again.
And when I finally saw them again, I would get that high again.
I ate this up because the high was delicious until the situationship neared its end, and they weren’t showing the emotions or intensity they were showing me in the beginning.
After this and a lot of therapy, I realized that I looked for people that do this hot and cold method.
They give me a little bit of attention and praise and then take it away because that is what my brain was used to.
Have you ever chosen someone you knew wouldn’t be good for you without your knowledge?
It’s kind of an out-of-body experience when you realize the little ways you decide to torture yourself.
We think we are doing certain things because it’s what we want, but it’s not until you are at the end looking at all the events that have transpired that you truly see how you fucked yourself.
Related Article: The One Where I Fell For My Friends With Benefits
Did You Really Want to Do that?
Moreover, we haven’t even covered how your mental state affects how you have sex! After having sex, have you ever asked yourself, “why did I do that”?
Well, I have.
I remember towards the end of my relationship with my FWB, when I was desperate to get their attention and keep that dopamine coming, I would do things that I wasn’t entirely comfortable or ready to do to please them.
I thought, “hey, if I do this, then they won’t lose interest.”
News flash: They did lose interest, and I realized that I was empty on the inside.
Now don’t blame them.
From their perspective, I was giving enthusiastic consent. While from my side, I was holding on to life by a string, doing anything I could to fund my addiction.
I know this isn’t a singular experience.
There are countless stories of people who have done things they aren’t proud of to fund their addiction.
Whether it’s sending a video of yourself masturbating on camera, swallowing someone’s cum, doing anal, getting tied up, or doing something you’re not comfortable with to make the other person happy to ensure their loyalty.
Yet, they always leave. And you are left crying and asking yourself why you did that.
Now I am glad that I have come out of the other side of my depressive episode, but I think it’s essential that people take a step back and look at their love lives from the perspective of their mental health.
Related Article: My Sexual Sabbatical: Do You Need One?
Asking the Hard Questions
Do you really love them, or do they give you a hit of dopamine every time they give you attention?
Are they good to you, or are they leading you on?
Did you really want to swallow their cum, or did you do it because it made them happy?
Are you actually enjoying the sex, or is it giving you a sense of validation and fulfillment that you lack in your everyday life?
Are they real or part of a fantasy you’ve created in order to add a little spice to your life?
It’s funny, really.
Mental Illness does add an extra spice to life.
Like are you obsessed or need a refill on your meds?
Knowing your mental health and how it impacts every aspect is freeing.
You don’t make choices from trying to make yourself feel better anymore.
You are more aware, and even though it can be debilitating, you are gaining your power back little by little.
