Disclaimer: This post will contain content about love, growth, and being vulnerable so if you are not ready then you should scroll away.
I know all of you come to my blog to read about how to give mind-blowing blow jobs or how to have a one-night stand with three hot strangers and I get it.
But sometimes there is more to sex than genitals touching each other.
There is a secret that I have been hiding for a long time.
A secret that I thought made me a weak person and made me ashamed to say out loud but in my journey to be more authentic I think this needs to be said…
I AM A ROMANTIC!
I LOVE LOVE!
- romantic comedies
- enemies to lovers
- slow burners
- watching people deny their feelings for each other fuels my addiction to romance novels.
- I love watching the crazy things people do for love.
- I love to create soundtracks of songs that remind me of love and what it would feel like to fall in love (btw Photograph by Aracade Fire is pretty spot-on).
I dream about the day someone will go above and beyond for me.
Show me that they actually care about my soul and not just want to get in my pants.
Related Article: What I Wish I Knew Before Having Sex
I love the moment when people realize that they are falling in love.
Their heart starts racing, their palms are sweaty, and it seems like all the words in the world can’t explain how they feel.
Now you why be wondering why I was so ashamed to say that I am romantic.
Why does it scare me to tell people that I love LOVE and can’t wait to fall in love?
Well before I even had a chance to be scorned by love, I was told that it didn’t exist.
What I see on TV, read in books, and feel when I listen to songs does not exist.
It’s a pretty packaged dream that is just false hope.
And what love really is, is just a bunch of chemicals in the brain that shoot off, and what you are probably feeling is just lust that will fade within a few years.
So what was a girl to do?
I believed the people who told me this.
Who was I to say different when everyone around me had actually been scorned by love and I was just falling in love with the idea of it.
So I took this part of myself and shoved it into the corner of my soul and did my best to repress it.
You know. Conceal, don’t feel.
But then I became angry.
I would make fun of people who were in relationships and tell them “Oh yeah. Do you think that is actually going to last? Talk to me in a year.”
In essence, I became a hater.
I hated everything because everyone had something I wanted but I didn’t acknowledge it that way.
I saw it as “those poor souls have no idea what’s in store for them”
So as I continued to repress my feelings, I acted out.
I believed that love had no place for me (for reasons that will come later) and that I would through my life alone.
But not just alone, lonely.
As we know we can be alone but not lonely.
But in my case, I wanted to make myself believe that I was going to be lonely for the rest of my life.
I was trying to make peace with the sense that I was “doomed” to be alone because love is the best con artist and I didn’t want to be another victim.
So I acted out.
Snarky comments, judgy eyes, and poison seemed to seep out of me.
It wasn’t until I started having sex that the trauma that I was putting myself through rose to the surface.
When I was younger I believed that sex was something great.
Something that two people who loved and respected each other shared.
But as I got older and let this idea of “Love has no place in my life” dictate my actions and I made mistakes.
I slept with people I didn’t care for and had sex with people who literally couldn’t care to learn my first name.
I thought at the time that this was what I wanted.
Sex was just sex.
And that would’ve been fine if that was what I truly wanted.
In reality, with every person I slept with I was trying to convince myself of someone else’s belief.
And it ended up destroying me.
Just to be clear, I am not saying casual sex is bad! I think it’s great but make sure to check your intention behind it.
When all was said and done, I felt more empty than I ever had. But I didn’t understand why so I kept doing it over and over.
If I had been honest with myself from the beginning and told myself “hey, I do want to be in love when I have sex because I deserve to share this amazing experience with someone I care about,” then I would’ve saved myself a great deal of heartache.
I pretended to be someone I wasn’t to essentially protect myself and it traumatized me.
When I think about some of my previous sexual encounters, I feel sad. I remember how much I forced myself to do things because I was trying to prove to myself in a twisted way that love doesn’t have a place for me and this was the only way I would ever get anyone to give me the time of day.
Related Article: The One Where I Fell For My FWB!
It’s a sad story but I can proudly say today, that I love love. It makes me excited to think that the next time I have sex with someone, there will be a caring kind of energy present and not one of anger and emptiness. I can be authentic while having sex and not try to act like a pornstar to stroke their ego.
Moral of the story: be true to yourself and save yourself the unnecessary trauma and heartache.
Well in my case, this heartache was necessary because I need to learn some lessons. But it didn’t have to be this harsh.
So stop hiding from yourself and be authentic.
And if you are closet romantic and you are waiting to come out, then come join me over here because we may get funny looks but the vibes are immaculate.