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Have you ever tried to reach an orgasm, but it just won’t happen?
You change sex toys, increase the speed, change positions, add a partner with a penis, try different rhythms, speeds, fingers, dirty talking, make-outs, games, and yet….nothing?
It’s like the ultimate itch you can’t scratch.
The sneeze escapes you just as it’s about to come out.
You don’t get that satisfying release and are left on the verge of nothing, feeling angry, vulnerable, and like something is wrong with you.
Well, there is nothing wrong with you and guess what?
You aren’t the only one.
Plenty of people deal with this, too but instead of trying to put a band-aid on the problem, let’s take a different approach and get to the root of why you can’t have an orgasm.
Here are some things that I need you to keep in mind while you read this article:
- Not all orgasms feel the same way.
- Orgasms vary from person to person & experience to experience. One time it may feel like an explosion with a clear ending, and another time it may feel like a small wave. Maybe you are trying to chase the explosion but are ignoring the waves.
- Don’t hurt yourself trying to have an orgasm.
- Putting your sex toy up to full speed or having your partner ram you when you aren’t used to it will not help you get there. You might actually end up hurting yourself in unexpected ways.
- Don’t feel bad if you can’t have an orgasm.
- It is incredibly frustrating, but THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! So don’t let people make you feel like there is.
- Orgasms are like excited dogs.
- The more you chase them, the more they run away from you. So sit back, enjoy the experience, and if it comes, great! If it doesn’t, then it’s not the end of the world because you a truly enjoying the rest of the process.
It’s Called Anorgasmia
Yes, there is a scientific term to explain your situation!
I don’t know about you, but putting a word to what I am feeling /experiencing makes me feel better. It’s like confirmation that I am not alone.
Anorgasmia is defined as the persistent inability to achieve an orgasm.
According to Anna Kaye, a counselor and certified sex therapist who works with adults struggling with relationship and sexuality issues, anorgasmia doesn’t mean that you will NEVER reach an orgasm. It simply means that due to your current “circumstance, with that partner, with that moment’s mindset,” you are unable to have an orgasm.
So bright side: Things can change!
Four Different Types of Anorgasmia
Did you know that there are four different types of anorgasmia?
- Lifelong Anorgasmisa
- You have never had an orgasm in your life.
- Acquired Anorgasmia
- You’ve previously experienced orgasms, but now you can’t seem to get there no matter what you do.
- Situational Anorgasmia
- You can only orgasm a certain way, such as through masturbation or certain positions ( wait, is this me?)
- Generalized Anorgasmia
- You can’t cum at all, no matter what you do.
Do you identify with any of these?
Knowing where you stand can help you get to the root of the problem; from there, we can move forward.
Reason #1: Medications or Medical Diagnosis
Have you been recently diagnosed with an illness or put on some medications?
If so, this could be the thing causing you issues.
And certain medications that you take can cause orgasm dysfunction.
The thing that is helping you in one area of your life can be hurting you in another. In this case, it’s your sex life that is being sacrificed.
This one actually happened to me.
In my case, I was put on SSRIs or antidepressants for you mentally stable folks.
Yes, the thing that keeps me from going off the deep end also makes me turn up the speed and intensity on my vibrator.
Antidepressants are known for causing sexual dysfunction.
For me, it made it hard to get wet and have an orgasm.
Nevertheless, I still enjoy sex and masturbating.
Sure, it takes me a little longer to get there, but it doesn’t take away from the moment I get fucked by a good-looking dude and watch him lose his mind because of how good it feels.
But if your medication makes it so you cannot cum at all and it’s changed your sex life dramatically, I need you to talk to your doctor NOW!
And do not let people make you feel like not being able to orgasm is not a big deal.
If it is wreaking havoc on you emotionally and mentally, it is a big deal.
So talk to a medical professional you trust who takes you seriously.
Related Article: How Antidepressants Can Change Your Sex Life!
Reason #2: Mental Blocks
Yes, the mind is powerful, and it could be cock-blocking you from your orgasm.
This can be due to a wide variety of things:
- Shame about your body, sexuality, enjoying sex, your type of partners, etc.
- Old school beliefs about sex
- Past sexual trauma
All these things can fester underneath the surface, causing you to block yourself from being present and in the moment.
To solve your issues, your problems need to be addressed.
It may be helpful to talk to a therapist or someone who can help you process your trauma and beliefs.
Moreover, reflecting on your sociocultural beliefs about sex and breaking them down can be super valuable.
Identify where they came from and who taught them to you.
Ask yourself if you align with these beliefs, and if not, what do you believe?
Processing your emotions and getting to the root cause is kinda like having an orgasm.
It’s a feeling of full-body satisfaction.
No, I will not elaborate.
Related Article: 5 Lies Your Sex Ed. Teacher Told You
Reason #3: Don’t Feel Comfortable or Safe
This issue is super relevant, especially in the age of hookup culture.
We are having casual sex with people we don’t know and are not entirely sure they won’t murder us.
Nevertheless, this can happen even if you are in a committed relationship.
Having an orgasm can be a vulnerable thing.
Maybe your body knows it can’t fully release and let go because it is not in a safe space.
If you are unable to orgasm, ask yourself these questions:
- Does this happen with all my partners or just this current one?
- Is this person right for me?
- Do I feel safe with this person? Do I feel safe in this environment?
- Is there something this person can tell me to make me feel more comfortable?
Your body knows if someone is wrong for you before you do, so listen.
Reason #4: You Need More Time & Practice
How well do you know your body?
Do you know what you like sexually and what feels good for you?
Do you know what makes you cum?
Maybe you haven’t been able to experience an orgasm because you don’t know what your body likes and haven’t found the thing that makes your toes curl.
Or maybe you and your partner are jumping into having sex too quickly and are not taking the time to really warm up.
Masturbation is a very sexually active adult best friend.
How will you have an orgasm if you don’t know what you like?
Masturbating is incredible because it feels amazing and teaches you more about what you like and what makes your toes curl.
- How do you like your clit rubbed?
- Do you like fast or slow?
- Are there any parts of your body that are extra sensitive when you get turned on?
- Do you like your fingers or prefer a vibrator?
Find the answers to these questions!
Play with yourself!
It’s the best trial and error for finding what you like!
If you find yourself, whether with a partner or alone, rushing through the warm-up, Imma need you to take a deep breath and step back.
Slowing things down and taking the time to incorporate foreplay into your session is a game changer.
- You heighten your arousal level
- Fosters intimacy and safety between partners
- You are in the present moment
When you focus on what is feeling good and how your body responds instead of trying to reach an end goal (aka the orgasm), you relax and enjoy the experience.
And when you are present and turned on to your max, reaching orgasm becomes much easier.
So slow down.
Try some deep kissing, stroking other body parts, nipple stimulation, an erotic massage, a striptease, or even some dirty talking.
Reason #5: Too Much Pressure or Stress
There is no better way to scare off an orgasm than with pressure and stress.
While some people perform well under pressure, that’s not the case for everyone.
So take some of the pressure off yourself to try to achieve it.
Moreover, address the stress you are feeling in and out of the bedroom.
Look, I know we all want to dominate all areas of our lives but leave the to-do list outside the bedroom.
If you are on all fours, thinking about what needs to be done, you are no longer in the present moment, making having an orgasm much harder.
So in moments when the outside world has penetrated the four walls of your bedroom, take a deep breath:
- Focus on the sensations: of them or yourself touching you, kissing you, the feeling of being penetrated.
- Slow your breathing. Deep belly breathes
Taking the pressure off yourself to have an orgasm and releasing the stress of your everyday life will help you reach that orgasm you want.
Related Article: 5 Signs You May Need A Break From Sex
Relax, It’s About the Journey
Orgasms are addicting. They feel incredible and make you reach a high you don’t get from daily life, but there is too much pressure on people to have them every time they have sex or masturbate.
Sex is about exploring your sexuality and enjoying your body and the sensations it comes with it.
It’s not about having orgasms.
It’s a journey, not a destination.
So don’t rush to that destination just to say you did it.
Lastly, as I said at the beginning: don’t chase the orgasm.
The more you relax and focus on enjoying the process, the easier it will become to have one.