I broke my celibacy after a year…to not just have sex but to pay for sex!
Something I never thought I would do in a million years!
I PAID TO HAVE SEX!
It’s crazy to say it like that, but it’s true!
And it was fucking fantastic, and I plan to do it again!
But after being celibate for a year, I thought I would return to having sex as a completely different person.
I thought my healing had been linear throughout my celibacy when in fact, there are some areas I haven’t even begun to heal.
I won’t go into detail about the experience because that is for another post, but I want to talk about everything the experience taught me.
Because boy, getting my brains fucked out really shifted things into perspective for me!
Related Article: My Sexual Sabbatical: Do You Need One?
Why I Chose to Be Celibate
Let’s start at the beginning of why I chose to be celibate. You can read more on my sexual sabbatical blog post about the whole ordeal that drove me to be celibate, but here is the Cliff Notes version:
I only started having sex because I wanted validation.
Under the false narrative of sexual liberation, I lied to myself and said I was a hookup, no feelings kind of girl when I am a romantic, making love in front of the fire kind of girl.
In other words: I am a Charlotte that pretended to be a Samantha.
And the only person that got hurt was me.
After falling in love with my Friends With Benefits and getting rejected by him (multiple times), I learned that having sex with the men I chose was an act of self-harm.
And I was tired of being my own victim.
After every sexual interaction I had, I felt empty.
It came to the point that I actually had sex with someone and literally FELT NOTHING!
I felt him penetrate me and go in and out of me but barely.
I literally felt dead, and the entire thing felt like a one-sided performance.
So after that, I decided that having sex wasn’t worth it unless it was with someone I cared about.
Hence, the start of my celibacy journey, or as I like to call it, my Sexual Sabbatical.
Fast-forward to a year later, and I haven’t found anyone I care about. But A GIRL HAS NEEDS, and the vibrator wasn’t cutting it anymore.
I wanted to get fucked but wanted it in a controlled setting where I knew I wouldn’t catch feelings!
Cut to the erotic spa in Colombia and a very hot prostitute.
Related Article: The One Where I Fell For My Friends With Benefits
Breaking Celibacy to Have Sex With A Prostitute
P.S. While writing this article, I realize how much stigma and shame I carry regarding sex work. While proud of what I did, I still feel dirty saying the word prostitute.
So like I said, I wanted to have sex in a controlled setting where I could keep my feelings at bay, and this was a big part of why I chose to have sex with him.
Essentially, I knew what I was paying for:
- Sex & Pleasure
There was no confusion about what was going to go down.
After the experience, I knew there wouldn’t be any calls, broken promises, or false hopes and dreams.
I came for a great orgasm, and he knew it was his job to provide me with one.
And he took that job very seriously might I add.
I could keep my feelings out of it, which I loved because, as I said, I am a Charlotte, not a Samantha.
I have needs, but if you are my type and tell me that you want to see me every day and want to make love to me, I will take it to heart, and my head will start popping off with fantasies of potential dates and our future together.
But not with this guy; the rules were clear from the beginning.
So like I said, this erotic spa is located in Colombia.
I had already gone once and had a great fucking experience.
And I wanted to go back and try with a different guy.
And this guy was very different from the last one.
But more on that in another blog post.
But I am so glad that this spa exists because it gives me the chance to have sex with a hotter, taller Zayn Malik and not worry.
I don’t have to worry about being kidnapped or murdered, which is one of the biggest risks of hooking up with strangers you meet on the internet.
I don’t have to worry about catching some type of STI because the men are required to get checked every few months.
Moreover, it is a clean, safe space that is tastefully decorated.
The room has sex toys, condoms, lubes, and massage oils.
And it’s spacious with a comfy bed for when things get freaky!
Plus, some rooms come with a private bathroom!
This made the decision of breaking my celibacy much easier.
All the things I would usually have to worry about when hooking up with a stranger are taken off my plate so I can focus on enjoying the experience.
Related Article: My Experience At An Erotic Spa
What I Learned About Myself & My Pleasure
As I said, the actual experience with my Romeo will be detailed (& I am talking about detailed) in another blog post, but right now, this is about me.
While this incredible experience left me shaking, it made me realize how much work I have to do with myself because, damn, I need some help.
But one thing I can say for sure is that I am happy I broke my celibacy; I wouldn’t have learned this about myself any other way.
Still A People Pleasure
The first thing I noticed about myself post-experience was that I am still a people pleaser looking for validation.
And I get off on it.
During the experience, my Romeo got really into it, which was great, but seeing how he got made me want to elevate the experience for him, EVEN THOUGH I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS PAYING!
Hearing him moan and seeing the look on his face made me feel good emotionally, and I wanted more of that validation.
So what do I do in those situations: I put myself and my feelings aside.
I stopped paying attention to how I felt during the experience.
So any position he wanted to do, I would do even if it didn’t feel that good to me.
I wouldn’t comment on how hard he was ramming me because it was definitely too rough at some points as someone who hasn’t had sex in a year.
I didn’t advocate for my pleasure but instead became an advocate for his.
This brings me to my next point…
Afraid to Ask For What I Want In Bed
I know that I constantly tell y’all to be advocates for your pleasure and not to be afraid to ask for what you want in the bedroom, but like loving and appreciating yourself… it is a hard lesson to incorporate when you don’t get a lot of practice.
I thought I internalized the lesson of being an advocate for my pleasure during my celibacy, but that was not the case!
During some moments, I would want something but could not bring myself to ASK!
For instance, I am a big kisser. Making out is a surefire way to get me really fucking wet, but I could not ask for it.
I wanted a deeper massage before having sex but could not ask for it.
I wanted him to use the sex toy and COULD NOT ASK!
He would be too rough at some points, but I was could not bring myself to ask him to go slower.
And lastly, while he gave me his version of aftercare, I would’ve preferred something else.
It was like I was afraid for him to be disappointed in me!
That he wouldn’t enjoy the experience as much if I asked for certain things brings me back to the point that I FUCKING PAID!
I should be able to ask! But I couldn’t bring myself to.
And lastly, I still feel…
Shame Around My Body
So I am not a model.
I do not look like Sofia Verga. I am a plus-size woman with an adorable face and great hair, but no one is concerned about looking good in front of me.
That’s just the reality of the situation I live in.
Even throughout my celibacy, my body is something I had an issue with.
But this guy is a model.
He is a hotter version of Zayn Malik with a bigger dick and has a body that was fucking sculpted by Michelangelo!
I am talking about muscles everywhere, and he is gorgeous.
The kind of gorgeous that you look at and think, “yeah, God has favorites, and I ain’t one of them.”
At first, I didn’t feel insecure about my body, but when it got to having sex, the fear of him being disappointed activated.
That is why I didn’t advocate for my pleasure.
I felt ashamed because of what I looked like, which made me feel ashamed to ask for what I wanted.
Like I should be grateful that someone is even touching me or treating me like a human even though I AM THE ONE PAYING!
The programming and beliefs that I have about my body are fucked up.
And I know I should have a better relationship with my body, but I just don’t, and I become painfully aware of that post-experience.
Because then came the time to get up and shower.
The embarrassment that overtook me was depressing.
I felt ashamed that he had to look at me.
And no, he did not comment on my weight or looks.
No weird side glances or backhanded comments.
He was kind the whole way through, called me cute pet names, and even helped me into the shower.
He was a perfect gentleman.
I was the one that was embarrassed and felt shame.
Where Do I Go From Here?
Now you may be thinking, “damn, this bitch is dumb! She broke her celibacy, spent all this money to have sex, and still couldn’t ask for what she wanted.”
And yeah, I did, but I loved it.
I got to learn what still needs healing within me in a safe space without the pressure of having to be a perfectly curated version of myself.
Breaking my celibacy by having sex with a prostitute has to be the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time.
I got to show up exactly how I am.
Casual sex has never been for me, but paying for it might be.
I feel I have more control over the narrative and my feelings, making me feel safer.
I can enjoy sex more because there is no pressure for intimacy, and I know what I am paying for.
So while I have a long ass way to go, I am glad to know where I stand.