Happy Summer, Everyone!
With vaccination rates on the rise and the reopening of businesses all across America, people are getting antsy to go outside and mingle, hook up, kiss, fuck, what have you.
Honestly, this pandemic has left most of touch-starved and dying for human connection and interaction.
Crazy how a year stuck inside can turn you from an introvert into an over-the-top extrovert.
Anywho, since I know that the summer is the time for flings, one-night stands, and making out on the boat as the sunsets after downing three tequila shots, I think it is time to impart my wisdom on how to have a successful hoe phase this summer.
Just because you will have a great summer with multiple outings to different bars, parties, and beaches doesn’t mean that you have to be a hoe.
You can drink your drink and do your little dancy-dance.
But as I said, I know that there are people out there that are touch-starved and ready to start catching bodies like it’s pre-pandemic era.
This blog post is for them.
But, if that’s not you, I suggest you keep reading because you may find some advice that can apply to you and whatever your situation is.
Here are some things you need to keep in mind before we jump into the five rules you need to live by during your hoe phase this summer.
- Do not go into anything thinking a relationship will come from it. You’ll be disappointed.
- Stay away from emotional attachments (read rule #5).
- Make sure this is something YOU want to do, and you are not doing it because you want to follow a trend.
- Separate your emotions from the sex.
- Don’t be afraid to try new sex positions or toys or people. This phase is all about exploring your likes and dislikes. Get freaky with it.
Rule #1: Keep A Roster
As I said, people who want to have a hoe phase are trying to catch as many bodies as possible.
Do not just have one or two people that you sleep with regularly.
Have a few and keep them in rotation.
The rotation keeps things fun, different and prevents you from catching feelings, which is the biggest no-no in having a hoe phase (right next to catching an STD).
If you have a favorite member and are better compared to the rest of the roster, your roster needs to be updated.
Having a favorite can be a slippery slope from “I like their dick or pussy” to “I like them.”
Moreover, don’t add people to your roster who you think you would be compatible with or share the same core values as you.
This is because post-sex, you may start talking and think that you are super compatible with them. Suddenly, you’re unintentionally making future plans with them when in reality, they are thinking about what they are going to eat once you leave.
So add people with different core values from you.
For example, sleep with a republican. You won’t have anything to talk about, and you can have really angry sex with them.
It’s a win, win.
Keep in mind: the goal is to find people that you don’t care what they think of you. Doing this will make you less insecure in the bedroom, more willing to explore your freaky side, and keep you from catching feelings!
Rule #2: Meet Them Before You Sleep With Them
This rule is for all the people (which includes the majority) swiping left and right on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and any other dating app.
For the love of God, meet these people out in public first!
They may be around your age (or older), but they are still strangers on the internet, and you do not know them.
You will want to meet them before you make your way to their (or your) bedroom.
This way, you can make sure they are who they say they are and vet whether they would be a good fit for your roster.
Furthermore, the quicker you meet up with the people you match with, the less of a chance you’ll have to create a false persona in your head about who they are.
Always remember that going on these dates doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them.
You can say No.
Not everyone is going to qualify for your roster.
Rule #3: Make Sure Someone Knows Where You Are At All Times
Rule #2 and #3 go hand in hand.
You are meeting strangers.
I know you went to that seminar as a kid that talked about Stranger Danger.
So don’t be a fool and just trust that they are not lying to you.
Make sure you have a few friends who know where you will be at and have them check in with you.
This can include something as simple as hourly check-ins or a call to your friend.
Also, you send your friends the person’s profile, their full name, and any other information such as their car plates and Snapchat name.
You can utilize the Life360 app to be aware of what is going on with each other at all times.
Please protect yourself and trust your gut.
Not everyone on the internet is as nice as they seem.
Rule #4: Have A Safe Sex Strategy
Being a hoe is fun; getting pregnant with someone’s demon spawn, or catching an STD, is not.
Don’t let someone raw dog you on the first night, especially if you don’t know their sexual past.
Many people like to say that they get tested regularly or that their pull-out game is great but don’t automatically believe them.
Medical bills are expensive in this country so develop a safe sex strategy.
What is that, you ask?
It is a plan that you create that helps protect you from catching STDs or getting pregnant and ensures your sexual health.
Your strategy could include bring your own condoms and lube to each hookup and making sure they pull out before they cum.
Related Article: The Ultimate Guide To Condoms: Different Types & Styles
It can include getting tested regularly, getting on birth control, or using PrEP.
It is a plan that works for you and makes you happy. This way, you are not at the mercy of the person you met at the bar.
You are prepared for whatever could go down.
Rule #5: DON’T CATCH FEELINGS
See how all the letters are capitalized in this headline?
That is because it is so important.
The purpose of the hoe phase is to be promiscuous and explore your sexuality, not to fall in love with someone you barely know.
This is why I am such a big advocate for the roster and not just having one favorite.
Now I know that this won’t happen to everyone but trust me when I tell you that from experience, it sucks to catch feelings for someone who does not reciprocate those feelings.
And no, even if you do the Gluck Gluck 9000 to try to make them fall in love, it is not a 100% guarantee that it will work.
Related Article: How to Give A Blow Job: Beginners Level 1
Here are some ways to avoid catching feelings:
- Dropping the person if either one of y’all is developing feelings. It doesn’t matter if they are the best on the roster; you can find better. I promise.
- Don’t follow them on social media. You don’t care about what is going on in their life. They are your sex toy. That’s it.
- Do not cuddle or have deep talks with your hookup. A bunch of chemicals will start to go off in your brain, and your judgment will become clouded.
Doing these things should help prevent emotional attachments.
The reason why I am so adamant about these rules is that I don’t want you to pine for someone who only sees you as Saturday’s appointment.
Yes, I know some of the rules made everything seem a little scary, and I am sorry for that.
I want you to be safe!
Having a hoe phase is so much fun! You get to explore your sexuality and try different things and see what you like and don’t like.
You will even learn what you would like to experience in future relationships and what you are willing to put up with.
Now, as I said, a hoe phase is not for everyone.
If you come to terms with the fact that you may fall under that category, that’s ok!
It doesn’t mean that you aren’t living your life to the fullest, so don’t let anyone or society pressure you into it.
Just make sure to be safe, take the necessary precautions, develop your safe sex strategy, and have fun!